Controversial Decision

Well, sometimes this parenting gig is tough, really tough.  One of the hardest things for me has been breastfeeding.  I have a love-hate with breastfeeding.  I love that it provides my baby with such wonderful benefits and is really so good for her, but I pretty much hate everything else about it.  I by no means, have had some of the struggles that I know others have endured, but it's been a major source of stress for me.

Going back to work only increased the stress.  I've been pumping twice a day and feeding her in the mornings and at night.  Can you say awkward (pumping at work)???  My supply has been up and down.  For the most part, I've been pretty nervous about the number of ounces and numerous times, borrowed from my freezer supply.  Needless to say, it's dwindling.

I had a little mishap with the pump at work- when it just didn't work one day and the error message meant that the pump needed to be charged for a continuous 24 hours.  I didn't have 24 hours to keep my pump plugged in.  I rushed home and fed EC.  It was a little bit stressful for me.

After struggling with this decision for several weeks, I've decided to stop breastfeeding.  It's been a really hard decision and I have such conflicting emotion about it.  I wish I could say I'm 100% confident in my decision, but I still have some lingering doubts.  I do know that I'm going crazy worrying about it and wondering each day if I'm going to have enough for her.

It's a slow transition.  I'm only pumping once at work now and all of her bottles are a mixture of breast milk and formula.  I'm hoping to be completely stopped by mid-November.  Let's say maybe around the 16th?!?!

You might wonder why I'm blogging about this.  It's not really something essential for the baby book.  Mostly, I want to write this down, so I can remember my thoughts at the time of this decision.  It hasn't been an easy decision and not something that I took lightly.  Overall, I just want a little bit of stress gone.  And I think I'll actually end up being a better parent to EC, when I don't have to worry about feedings and cleaning all the parts and how I will have time to take care of pumping at work and if I remembered my freezer pack and if people at work think I'm weird or just never at my desk.

Anyway, I know it's controversial.  I've read all the "breast is best" literature, but at this point, stopping breastfeeding seems to be the best decision for me and EC.